A few nights ago I walked in on Sir using one of His partners unprotected. It was awkward. Unexpected. I should have turned around and walked out and minded my own business but I didn’t.
You see, I have this misconception that I’ve talked about before. A misconception that I’m something I’m not. I get these crazy ideas that I have say in something or that my opinion matters. I don’t and it doesn’t. But Sir cares for me and because of that He allows me certain liberties a slave should not have.
I’ve heard many men say that they could never take their significant other as a slave because they see her in such a different light. I’m afraid the years have changed us. I don’t think Sir sees me in that light. In His eyes I’m too precious.
But this post isn’t about Him caring less. No, it’s about me caring less. He said it’s exhausting trying to keep up… It is, I agree. It’s exhausting worrying about STDs and pregnancy but if we don’t want it to happen I feel we must remain diligent. And yes, that means things don’t always get to happen spontaneously.
I’ve always been the cautious one. My mind is always working. I’m always seeing outcomes and consequences, almost always in the most negative light and worst case scenarios. I cannot throw caution to the wind, it is not in my DNA. I certainly wish I could. I’m NEVER the fun one. And to be honest, at 45 years old I’m okay with that. The fun ship has sailed for me. But just maybe I could stop giving a crap. If He wants to wreck our lives… Let’s do it!
Maybe 45 is the perfect time to throw caution to the wind. I mean what the heck? We’re on the downhill side of life now. If it comes up short so be it. But how does one reconfigure their DNA? How does one unlearn habits that have served them well for so many years?
The thing is… I don’t feel it’s a choice for me. What I feel and what I know, however, are drastically different. I know that if there’s a will there’s a way. It’s a catch 22. A paradox perhaps. What is real? What we feel or what we know? Down the rabbit hole go…
My whole purpose for writing this was to remind myself that I am a slave. The majority of my training has come from self education, Sir doesn’t have time to train me. I’ve made it my purpose to discover everything I can and be the best slave I can be for Him. Now it is time to remember the place I’ve made for myself and stop concerning myself with the things that He chooses to do. Whatever the outcome of His choices we will live with them.