These days I really don’t know the answer to that. I’ve strayed so far from who I’ve been taught to be and I don’t like it. I don’t recognize the person I’ve become. I feel like I was such a good girl for such a long time and blew it all in one fell swoop. I’ve let my Master down and I’ve let myself down and it has changed me. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much in my entire life as I have in the last 2 weeks.
We’ve talked… A little. It’s different now. Hard. I cry every time I even think about my actions. We had a conversation via text while I was at work. It was slightly easier because I could cry without being seen.
I’ve spent countless hours analyzing my actions, trying to get to the root cause. At one point I suggested I’ve allowed myself to feel like I’m something I’m not… Like I’m something special. Sir assured me I am special. Maybe that’s not the best way to describe my digression. I’ve lost my place. Somewhere along the way I started thinking I was something more than a slave. Now it’s time to remember that I am not and it’s hard. I’ve allowed myself to think I’m entitled to things that I am not.
Sir has explained to me that there will be new people entering His life. He may or may not choose to tell me about them. He has always given me the courtesy of telling me when He has met someone who has piqued His interest. That will now change. It’s a mixed bag for me because I do want to know but I also understand that knowing is a privilege not a right and right now I don’t deserve any privilege.
I’m very nervous for this new way of life. I know it will be okay and I know it will be a test of my declaration of following blindly with no questions asked. I also know it is good for me. While my stomach is in knots I try to remember that there is nothing to be afraid of. I asked for reassurance and Sir generously granted it. He promised He would be there to hold my hand through it all and that I remain His priority.
Despite being nervous I’ve tried to think about what exactly scares me? What would be the absolute worst case scenario? And I concluded that it would be life without my Master. My existence revolves around Him. And I nearly lost Him due to my irrational behavior. With my ex husband baggage, always feeling like he was looking for the next best thing and a quick exit from our marriage, all my insecurities came rushing back. All of the work we’ve done these past 5 years to get me to a place where I felt secure in knowing Sir would always be there for me was torn down in a matter of minutes. I constantly remind myself that Sir is not my ex husband, in fact their only similarity is that they’re both men (if you would call my ex husband that…) So now we’re back in the building stage and we both have to give a little. Yesterday, when I realized that the very worst thing that can happen is Sir deciding my display of disobedience is more than He’s interested in dealing with, I calmly reminded myself that isn’t going to happen. So then what? What’s the next worst thing? There isn’t a next worst thing. There’s isn’t anything I can’t bring to Him and ask for help with. He explained that as long as I’m respectful and ask for help He will get me through it.
It’s that time of year when Sir’s work gets very busy. It’s also that time of year when I feel guilty for asking for His time. Part of my growth this year has been in learning to ask for help. I asked Sir to help me find my place again… He was already on it. He has assured me I will pay for my actions and He has implemented a set of guidelines that are meant to remind me who I am. Even though I feel lost and can’t find my way right now, Sir has not lost sight of me. He still has the vision of the good girl He knows I can be and through the guidelines He’s set forth I trust I will find my way back to center. After only one evening and one morning the spinning has slowed way down and I feel like I can think. I feel like I’m back on the path. Granted it’s a rather rocky path but at least I’m on it.