Peace

I’ve been away for a while. Life got a little more hectic than usual. Things have changed and I’ll never be the same.

My mom passed. I’ve been taking care of her for the better part of 15 years… Or maybe more, I don’t know. The days and years all melt together and become this blob of existence.

I feel lost. I don’t know which way is up anymore. Maybe if I did I could swim to the surface and get some air. More than ever I need direction. I find myself clinging to what of my old routine I can (which isn’t much, everything is different now).

As always, Sir is my rock. That one part of my life that remains a constant. He’s taken care of all the details and spent countless hours holding me, comforting me, talking to me, helping me… He is amazing! I’ve had days that were so crippling All I could do was cry. I’ve also had days that weren’t so bad. No matter which version of me Sir got, everyday He showed up with extreme patience and understanding.

On one of my more difficult days, I explained to Sir that I felt like I didn’t have a sense of purpose any longer. For years now I have known that my purpose is to serve Him. I was created to be His. Every fiber of my being is electrified when I am near Him. Every cell in my body craves His command. And now that nothing stands between me and my true purpose, I find myself lost.

Sir has told me from day one that He is a patient man and He has always lived up to that statement. No matter the situation, I know He will approach it in a calm and sensible manner. All the days He has known me He has known of my obligation to care for my mother and has always graciously allowed her to come before Him.

It was during a conversation a few days ago when I explained my feeling of a lack of self-worth that He pointed out what I bring to His table. Anyone can clean His house. He’s an adult, He can take care of himself, make His own dinner, lay out His own clothes. Make His own coffee. There’s a difference between needing someone and wanting someone. I explained how I didn’t feel needed by Him. Not that it made me feel less wanted or loved, but my mom relied on me 100% for everything from eating to fighting her battles. There isn’t a thing in this world that Sir couldn’t do without me. And now that I am sitting here writing this, I feel petty for having those thoughts. While He, in fact, does not need me He wants me. He chooses me. I am not here because of a lack of options. I am here because He put me here.

My purpose is to bring peace to His home. To me, this seems like such a simple thing but I know Sir and where He came from and I understand. One cannot enjoy a life well lived without peace. It is comforting to know that in a time of turmoil my sole purpose is to bring peace. When I break it down like that it is far less overwhelming. There is nothing else He needs me to do. First and foremost, my purpose is to bring peace.

Everyday is a new opportunity to learn. Lately I think I have been learning quite a bit. While I have always known that Sir’s there for me, I have not been the best at utilizing that help. I have felt myself sinking into this abyss of guilt and grief and I don’t like it. Sir doesn’t like it. He understands of course and has been His usual supportive and patient self. I don’t have the patience He does. I don’t know how to fix me. I finally asked for help. I don’t want to be cranky or sad anymore. I have had a short fuse for way too long now and I am ready to get back to living the life I was meant to live. I asked for help because I know He will be gentle yet firm with me. He will return me to my rightful place.

So here we, charging into the new year, armed with knowledge, full of hope and anticipation of what’s to come. Doors are open that never were before. It’s our time. And I know my purpose.