I’m learning that there are things I don’t need or want to know. I struggle with letting those things go because I have been conditioned for so many years to be in control. I don’t want to be in control. It is not my nature to be in control, however the majority of my adult life I have been in a position of having to be in control. It’s my baggage. I’m working on it. Sometimes it is on a minute-to-minute basis and other times I can go for days or weeks and be content without asking a million questions and thinking I need to know everything.
For example Sir has told me that He will see other people. I am okay with that but for some reason feel like I have the right to know… I don’t. Nor do I have the need or the desire to know. When I feel the urge to ask I remind myself of these things. I ask myself what the benefit would be of knowing. That really isn’t a question I can answer… So are there any actual benefits? I ask myself what would be the worst case scenario of Him seeing someone else. The only answer I can come up with to this one is all the dumb reasons that society tells us… What if she’s prettier? What if she’s younger? What if she’s smarter? What if… What if… What if… What if I didn’t worry about it and just remembered my place, who I belong to and the promises Sir has made that I will always be His? Doesn’t that just seem so much more peaceful? Yes!
I find that the more I practice enjoying my place the easier it gets to not stress about what ifs. I have chosen to trust that what Sir has told me is the truth, I have faith in our relationship and I say these things with such conviction yet somehow doubt lingers. Why is that? Because I need more practice. Practice makes perfect.
Also, I’m finding myself celebrating the tiniest victories, something I’ve never done before. But they feel like building blocks and now acknowledging them means I can use them as a foundation and continue on to another layer. If I continue to strengthen the foundation I think I can create a solid set of habits… Good habits. It’s all about learning a new skill set.
It feels a little overwhelming sometimes because I am trying to learn so many different things at once. All I can do is continue to work on my patience and not let any of this get the best of me. No rash decisions, no jumping ship. Just sitting with my feelings, letting them come and then letting them go, no reactions. It feels… Good. Freeing. Accomplished.