A lot of not-so-great things have gone down the past few days. I’m not one to air dirty laundry so I will not be going into the details here. However I will be diving into how I responded and how to proceed.
I’m ashamed of how I handled pretty much everything. I took a massive tail spin to put it extremely lightly. I was so hurt by what happened I saw red and felt the only way to express just how hurt I was, was by destruction. I’ve never reacted the way I did and I didn’t see it coming. Sir tried His best to restrain me but I wasn’t having it and He finally let me go. He told me not to leave the house. I left the house. It was only after removing myself from the situation that I thought I came to my senses. I’m not a fighter, I’m a flighter. My reaction is always to remove myself from a situation that feels out of control.
When I came back I asked Sir to do something to remedy the situation. He said He would on His own terms and that was not good enough for me. I made a phone call that should have been made in a completely different environment and caused further damage by hurting an innocent party.
I have felt like garbage ever since. As far as fixing the damage… I did, later, apologize to the person on the other end of the phone, with no expectations of forgiveness, which is acceptable. Concerning my position as a slave, I expect punishment. I feel this is by far my worst offense and have beat myself up every moment of every day since.
Sir has said that I freaked out because I didn’t get my way. In my soul I did not feel that was correct. I have chosen to live as a slave and have spent many days looking for ways to submit deeper. I do believe Sir knows me better than I know myself so as hard as it is for me to admit it I will assume He is correct and look to mend my ways. Going forward, my way is His way. As long as He is happy that is all that matters, I will find happiness in His happiness.
I am always saying that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for Sir. Today I have realized that my actions are not reflecting that. If I truly meant that, I would trust blindly that whatever decision He makes for us is the right one. I am His always and forever, no matter what, thick or thin. If the decision He makes puts us in a weird spot we will deal with it together.
As I acknowledge these things I find myself gravitating to finding more, deeper ways to submit. I do not need answers so there will be no more questions. My opinion is whatever He tells me it is. These are things I will strive for. I know they will not happen instantly but they are things I will keep in the forefront of my mind and make a conscious effort to work toward everyday.
I belong to my Master fully, wholeheartedly, mind, body, soul. I have given myself to Him to use as He sees fit anytime, anywhere. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for Him.